I would love to pop in and extract the urine but I'm not up to driving that far at the moment don't over do it to start with though as you will undo all the work the quacks done so far. I've been told in no uncertain terms to behave myself but still manage to sneak out for a couple of hours "light recreation" I've just satisfied myself doing easy stuff I've put off in the past. You will be back to as normal as you where before in no time
They're rubbish them Jap bikes lad they won't last five minutes! you want to get yourself a nice Royal Enfield!
A quote from my old dad
I started out with nothing and I’ve got most of it left!
Cheers mate. I think I overdid it over the weekend - we're having new windows & doors in this week, so the house is currently 'upside down' with most of the upstairs currently in the lounge. windows and frames all over the chuffing place.
I got a reaction when I told them about the (non existent) explosives in the gun cabinet!Instant respect!!!
'Oh we can arrange some physio for you.'
'Great.'
'Thursday'
'No'
'Friday'
'No'
Monday'
'OK I'll have to get a taxi'.
Trouble is, Lynn does part time work and I can't currently drive.
Physio is either three buses away and a half mile walk to get to the first one, and about 5 miles from home, or 'alternative transport'.
Sheesh!
Physio and see the specialist yesterday. Progress is being made, but obviously not fast enough for my liking.
Basically, I'm more or less banned from the garage for another couple of weeks-ish until I get more movement into the knee joint, so there's lots to do, plenty of time to do it, but I can't get in there!
Bugger.
Anyway, the bandage is now off so I can get some fresh air to it now. Hopefully the neighbours won't mind......
Still chuffin' painful though.
Alan H wrote:Physio and see the specialist yesterday. Progress is being made, but obviously not fast enough for my liking.
Basically, I'm more or less banned from the garage for another couple of weeks-ish until I get more movement into the knee joint, so there's lots to do, plenty of time to do it, but I can't get in there!
Bugger.
Anyway, the bandage is now off so I can get some fresh air to it now. Hopefully the neighbours won't mind......
Still chuffin' painful though.
That looks like the look on a Yorkshire man's face when he gets his gas bill
Well the knee is improving leaps and bounds - well, not really leaping or bounding, but it's deffo getting better and I've been out on the bike even if only locally, but there seems to be a need for a medical section all of a sudden, so I'll continue here with a past problem that others may (or may not) wish to be made aware of. Piles. yup, good old haemorrhoids. Anyway don't read if you have a gentle disposition, don't like things about bottoms, or don't have a sense of humour.
Part one - Pile Wars, the ring band attack. (2003)
One of the “joys” of getting older is the acquisition of piles. No not piles of money, unfortunately, but old fashioned haemorrhoids. Now of course getting old is better than the alternative, but these things really are a pain in the arse and over the past few months mine have been getting worse.
(The more squeamish should STOP reading now).
Last Monday I visited my doc and got an appointment for the hospital for THIS Monday (just gone) for a checkup. Ha! Good service what! No postcode medical stuff here – mind you most houses don’t have postcodes so that could have summat to do with it.
Anyway the specialist had a quick shufti then on went the plastic gloves and out came the cream. Here is where I started to get worried – really worried – I mean, in all my life my ringpiece has been used as a one way valve to get rid of the brown smelly stuff and methane in copious quantities - ONE WAY mind you- outwards. I was less than impressed when a chuffing periscope was inserted
“Relax” says the Doc.
“I am” sez me.
“Really” sez the Doc.
“Fekkin REALLY” sez me, “Nothings been in there before”.
“I can tell” sez he.
Anyway he retrieved the periscope thingy and inserted a tube thingy and a diddy rubber band putter-onner (there’s probably a latin name for them but if he mentioned it I didn’t catch it having other things to occupy my thoughts at the time). Then he SUCKED the fekkin piles into the pile sucker (for that was what it was) and whipped a little dead tight lakky band on the base to cut the blood off. Then he did another.
SWEAT! I SHOULD FEKKIN COCO!
He then pulled out (not personally mind) and wiped the mung off and that was it. My ring felt as if I REALLY needed a dump but he said that was normal. I drove home rather carefully, avoiding road humps and potholes and was very pleased I hadn’t gone in the Landy.
I was rather taken aback by all this as you may imagine and had yesterday off work to recover, sitting on alternate cheeks as required to keep the weight off the middle bit as much as poss.
This mornings dump (I am very regular, having a crap every morning about 7, fortunately getting up about 10 to) was taken with not a little trepidation, but no pain and even better, no blood. Even tried a couple of gentle trumps later in the day at the office and it was commented that the tone has improved, probably as it doesn’t hurt as much to clench now. The good side is that I feel a lot better now, the down side is that the doc is going to have another go (hopefully to finish the job) in a couple of months.
So all you young ‘uns out there, stop abusing your bodies with curries and stuff like that ‘cos the pile man will get you in the end.
Episode 2 Return of the periscope (2006)
For quite some time after I had the lakky band treatment, the piles seemed to have gone away, then a few months ago, they reared their heads again. (Do piles have heads? Hmmm.)
So back to the friendly quack who put on some plastic gloves, had a quick look without touching (so why bother with the gloves?) and sent me off to the Arsiologist at the local hospital. After another examination, (I still don’t like them, but they seem to be less objectionable now) I was informed that I would have to have another dose of lakky band treatment. Oh and just for good measure, a camera shoved up for a look around. Was I impressed? Not a jot.
So this week, off I toddled and got sorted. Two lots of sedative – after I told the doc that if I felt ANYTHING at all, it was likely that my heel would connect with something at high speed. He did the camera thing. “You can watch on the monitor if you like.”
Now I might have had a more sheltered life than some of the folks on here, but I can’t imagine anyone wanting to look inside their own arse. Please tell me if I’m wrong.
Fitted more lakkies around the offending grapes and away I waddled. Went home and to the dismay of the other half, blew a very loud and musical fart off. At least that asset hasn’t been damaged anyway.
Well, four days later, it doesn’t bleed during a dump anymore and no pain either. Went out on the bike for a quick 50 mile blast today and sat comfortably all the time, so we’ll see how long this lasts before I have to go back.
And no, the camera film won’t be on Utube so you can urine right off.
Episode 3 Revenge of the Ectomy (2008)
Pile Wars – The saga continues
Well, the long running tale of pain and adversity that started in 2003 with Pile Wars 1 – The Ring Bands Attack, and continued with Pile Wars 2 – Return of the Periscope - in 2006, and continues with episode 3 – Revenge of the Ectomy.
The Premiere was yesterday, Friday the 12th (Phew!) and starred yours truly on the table again.
The saga continued after the dark place developed another problem – the grapes were increasing and something had to be done before they took over the entire planet of Myanus.
It had become more than simply uncomfortable, with regular attacks causing heavy blood loss and escape of noxious gases and objects. The (F)arce was in danger of being overrun by the evil Grapes which were gradually taking over the sol-ars-ystem.
Help was needed but was the Rebel General from the NHS up to the job?
A few weeks after a reconnaissance visit to the planet for a quick looksee, revealed the root of the problem. It appeared that the Grapes were on the move and were attacking the entire exit to the planets waste system. The plan was set. This time a direct attack on the Grapes. No more gentle Banding, this time it would be all out war with a direct rear attack with full weapon systems.
The attack was planned for the early hours, but due to constraints of funding – and a queue at the bog – the attack was later than planned. The planet was quiet after being anaesthetised by Needle Squadron with the new knock out weapon, then the ground pounders were sent in. Recently given a clean-up, they couldn’t be called Pongoes any more. The attack went straight to the source of the problem, cutting off the troublesome Grapes from their rear echelons with a full blown Haemorroidectomy. After a relatively short sh1tty and unexciting battle, they were all removed and a packing company sent in to shore up the damage and prevent any leakage of, er, well, anything nasty really.
The troops withdrew and the planet was safe again. The Grapes had been banished to Planet Bin for final extermination in the fires from Incin-Er-Ator.
The planet gradually recovered and could face up to a new life without the dreaded Grapes causing pain and hardship, although a keen lookout would have to be kept for their return.
So far so good.
We are now in 2016 and the evil empire has not been seen since, but constant vigilance is needed to defeat the emperor and his cohort, Grape Vader.
Weapons of mass fibre have been patrolling and keeping guard of the Diverticula and Haemorrhoid sites to stop any invasion in those regions.
Hopefully there will never be an episode 4, but as we know, the emperor is a persistent sod.
but I'm not up to driving that far at the moment 
don't over do it to start with though as you will undo all the work the quacks done so far. I've been told in no uncertain terms to behave myself but still manage to sneak out for a couple of hours "light recreation" 
I've just satisfied myself doing easy stuff I've put off in the past. You will be back to as normal as you where before in no time 
